Fawning
Most people have at least heard of the “fight or flight” response; there are also a lot of conversations happening about the “freeze” response. These are automatic reactions that happen in our bodies when we perceive some sort of threat (physical, emotional, or otherwise). But have you ever heard of fawning?
To “fawn” in the context of a trauma response means to respond to a threat by becoming more appealing to the threat (shoutout to Pete Walker who coined this term). Dr. Ingrid Clayton elaborates: “fawners mirror or merge with someone else’s desires or expectations, to defuse conflict rather than confront it directly. Because it’s their best chance to stay safe. At least for now”.
To give you a better picture, here are some examples of what fawning can actually look like:
people-pleasing
difficulty making decisions and defaulting to what other people want
prioritizing others’ needs over your own (extreme selflessness)
walking on eggshells/avoiding conflict at all costs
feeling anxious when other people might be upset with you
constantly worrying about how others are perceiving you (and even basing your decisions off of what others might think)
Generally speaking, fawners engage in these behaviors in order to feel liked/accepted/useful/worthy/safe. If we dig a layer deeper, we’re essentially abandoning ourselves in order to maintain a sense of safety within the context of our relationships with others.
The thing about fawning is that it can be hard to spot because, well, it benefits the people around us when we’re constantly attuning to their needs and prioritizing them over ourselves. LET ME BE CLEAR: fawning is not an intentional manipulation of others to make them like us. It is an automatic response to try and feel safer by appeasing the person who is making us feel unsafe.
While fawning is a natural response to unsafety, it also comes with a downside…especially for those of us who live in a chronic state of stress. Fawning makes us small. We start to devalue our own wants/needs/emotions/opinions because they’re constantly being placed on a backburner. We may even lose track of our sense of Self. Thankfully, as with any maladaptive coping mechanism, we can unlearn old habits and replace them with healthier ones, and start to live a more authentic life.
If anything in this post resonates with you, or you want to learn more about how to “unfawn”, I welcome you to send me a message using the contact form on my website. I also 10/10 recommend the book Fawning by Dr. Clayton; it touched my heart deeply both as a therapist and a fellow human being.
Take good care and talk soon,
Mikayla